Life isn't always bliss

I'm sad today.

I woke up today still tired from all the emotions I felt last night. I went home from work yesterday, my child sick, my mom bickering...my husband drinking, my brothers taking sides. In my mind it was chaotic. It was like being caught in the middle of two clashing boulders. My mom is angry that my husband left my sick child to her while he drinks alcohol. My husband is upset because he wasn't able to decide for my child's well being because my mom hinders him so. My mom hates my husband because he's doesn't have a job, to her it seemed that my husband is leeching on me. My husband wasn't able to work because he was looking for a good agency that will finally sail him.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

I admit I might have chosen the wrong person to be with. The person who has no work because in his idealistic mind he will achieve what he dreamed of becoming. A sailor. My mom cannot see that. For her, it was all about MONEY. Money is everything. She hates for me to work alone for my family because I can no longer give her my whole salary (the way I used to before I bore AJ).

But coming home to a drunk husband is another story. He wasn't even Man enough to support me and our daughter and yet he still has enough guts to get himself drunk?

Now I'm confused whom should I hate.

If GOD isn't holding my heart now, I would have plunged a knife straight into my heart so I can no longer feel how it aches. God is still good. I maybe sad right at this moment, but i can hear him whispering to my heart that a little later today there will still be a reason for me to smile and to go on with life. I am crying again now, but not because I'm sad, but because of gratitude. I am feeling pain simply because I have the capacity to feel. It means I also have the capacity to feel love, happiness, joy, hope...

I am crying now because I am thankful that I have found strength in this moment of weakness, a shelter from the storm...and because of it...

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

Bob Ong's words of wisdom

1. "Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pagtinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang,
hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."

2. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak
para alagaan ang sarili mo."

3. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawakan ng iba.
"

4. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

5. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

6. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung
walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

7. "Kung maghihintay ka nang ng lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay
mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

8. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na
araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

9. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi
pagkukusa."

10. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin
na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang."

11. "Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag
natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?

12. "Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na
sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama
ka."

13. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang
puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon,
kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo
na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag
mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo:
magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso,
utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi
IKAW mismo!"

Home Ideas...And School too!

I'm really so excited about the house. I have just started paying the DP and I still have some few more requirements to submit including the confirmation of my status with pag-ibig (from single to married) and the update of my MPL. But this did not stop me from imagining and planning on how the interiors of my house would look. Take a look at these pics I got from the web.

Dining & Kitchen area



This is bigger than the dining area of my soon-to-be house. Pero I would want to create a miniature copy.

Living room area



Small lang naman ang house, so this will do.

Bedroom area,

actually I have no picture of the exact room that I want since I have no idea about it yet. I'll just post as soon as I saw one that would suit my one bedroom house.

Actually, I need to raise a lot of money for this task. I mean A LOT! As i would not only be scouting the things that the house needs to make it conducive for living. I will also be starting to scout a school for AJ! I have heard that Statefields School and Divine Light Academy are good schools. But how about the tuition fee?

Lord, Sana makasakay na ng barko yung asawa ko. I need all the help I can get to give AJ a good growing up and environment and the best education.

Block 3 Lot 17 Summerpointe Residences Phase 1A Brgy Pasong Buaya II Imus Cavite

I'll be having you soon...

I have already paid my 2nd installment for the down payment, I'll be finished paying the DP by November 23, 2010 then afterwards, I'll be paying MA. I have already signed and submitted the contracts and other papers that i need to sign and submit. I just need open a checking account as part of hdmf requirement. Though I still lack few more documents that i need to provide asap!

Whew! Ang daming kailangan! But I wont grow tired. After all, it is my would-be home!

And I am so excited about it!

The Irony of a dream

When I was a teenager, I dreamed of going to Marrakech (or Marrakesh). For me, it is a much safer version of Persia (or Iran, as there was a war going on there during my growing up years). I would love to see a whole new world different from mine, and this place has the perfect ensemble of culture, with a history that you can trace for a thousand years. Kings & Queens, Princes and Princesses flourished in every era. Yes, I would love to go there, in my foolish young demented mind, I am Jasmine and there I would find my Aladdin in a flying carpet...

Never would I imagine that this foolish dream would eventually come true...
In a twistedly ironic way...

Because just last August, by one stroke of luck,
I was able to travel and see...

Club Morocco, Subic!



Kalokang dream yan!

Dear AJ

I can't believe you're really getting bigger. My heart is torn between wishing that you'll forever remain to be my little baby girl and my eagerness to see you grow. Ngayon pa lang, I can see your independence and maturity. You know when it's time for me to go to work and that I have to leave you for a while. But in the evening, when i come home, you'll just give me a very big hug and a kiss to compensate the long day that I'm not with you. Then you always opt not to leave my side from that time on till the next day that I need to go to work again. Tabi tayo sa matulog palagi. You don't allow anyone to sleep beside you except me.

everyday is an adventure when I'm with you. You're quick to learn kaya everyday you have new tricks and learnings that you were eager to show us. Sabi nila, nagmana ka raw sa kakulitan ko. Just like me, you just wont stay on a spot for a long time, laging busy, laging may ginagawa, laging nangungulit. You're inquisitive young mind does not allow you to be idle. Lahat sila nakukulitan na sa iyo, but not me. I'll never grow tired of you. You have had my energy as a child, So I understand what you want and what you need to grow up properly.

I love you so much anak. I have never known in whole life that I can harness this kind of love that I have for you. It's like having my heart outside my body, to love, to hold, to nurture & to take care of. It's in you that I have found my passion. I always thank God for bringing you into my life. For letting me feel my true worth. Though sometimes, I admit, I am afraid this love is so selfish that there are times that I wish not to have another child so that I can love you alone. Well, sometimes lang naman 'yun. If God wants to give you a baby brother or sister, then It will be a wonderful gift for all of us. Of course, I wanted you to feel how to love your sibling(s) too like the way I love your tito jong and tito jay.

At the end of the day, there's always GOD to thank. I hope that I would be able to bring you up properly with so much respect and love for God. Anak, I may be able to give you all the things that you need and want but i guarantee that it won't give us contentment because eventually, God will always be our happiness. I hope when you grow up, you'll accept God in your heart. He is the stronghold of your character. I may not always be there but GOD will never leave you. That's my faith and I hope you'll have the same faith too. In all the things you do, To God be the Glory!

I love you so much anak. Mama will always take care of you.
Be good always.

Love,
Mama

The Anatomy of Jeanette Macugay-Cabrera

I haven't been able to blog for a while...
Had a lot of things to do with so much little time...
There's a lot "ME" that I need to carry out well in a lot of different roles...

I'm not complaining or anything, co'z i'm enjoying every minute of it (though not easy). Balancing each of my roles in life is fun especially if i look at it in the brighter side.

I want to share with you everything that makes me "ME". All the roles that I play that makes my worth.

MOM - Yes, I play this role the best I can. With so much love! I sometimes surprise myself that I was able to give so much love and that I am aching to give more. It is really true that motherhood is the essence of a woman.

WIFE - I can never brag that i am the perfect wife, or that my husband and I have a perfect relationship. Not every moment of our life together is all bliss but we have a lot of room for compromises. We are still two separate individuals adjusting on our journey through life together. Independent as I am, It won't able to take just a snap of the fingers to realize that I can no longer hold my decisions as mine alone especially if it pertains to the well being of our family. But still, It's so wonderful to dream big dreams and work hard to achieve them if you have someone to dream and to work with you.

DAUGHTER - I am not only my parents' daughter but of God as well. I am forever thankful that God gave me such wonderful parents that never gave up on me. All that I have achieved, I achieved because of them who never faltered to coach me, to push me towards my goals, to cradle me each time I fall. I am praying that I may be able to do the same with my daughter. God has blessed me so much. His love alone keeps me strong to endure all that he offers me, may it be trial, may it be blessing. In everthing I do, I pray...To God be the glory, forever and always!

SISTER - The fun part! I have two darling baby brothers (that are bigger than me). To whom I have shared the sweetness and bitterness (the spices) of my childhood. We are so close that nothing can tear us apart. I love them both and I always try to give in to what makes them both happy. In all the places that I've been, In all the adventures that I've been to, I always envision myself that someday I can come back and relinquish my adventure with them. I love them so much that I can give my everything to them. Actually if they will ask me to give them my house (that I am currently paying now), I am more willing to give it to them. Haha! I'm an obsessed big sister - so what?

FRIEND - I am not a great talker. In fact i am often misunderstood by the way I express my thoughts. But I'm a great listener. When my friends needed a shoulder to cry on they can always count on me to be there. They can always rant about something and vent out with me. But, only few people knows that about me. Only few and lucky people - that's a proven fact.

CARREER WOMAN - I love my job now. actually I love all the jobs that i had even from way way back. I always try to give all my best shots. And i get to meet a lot of people who marks my life well. It broadens my horizon as a person. It's nice to know that I am being paid to do the job that i want!

So you see, It's not easy to play these roles at the same time. I know you have yours to - enjoy it! Life has full of reasons to become wonderful!

All of us have different roles in life, not all are exciting but worthy of acknowledgement. So to all the mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, friends and carreer women out there! My applause to all of you!